Parent Tips

Navigating the Teen Years

Good news! Most teens are thriving, and the success of those parents is no accident. A few skills can help with a huge range of challenges. Listen more than you talk. Be available, but don't hover. Ask, rather than tell. Be close enough to help, if there is trouble, but give your teens the space to practice their decision-making skills.
Navigating the Teen Years

THE GOOD NEWS FOR PARENTS (AND OTHERS WHO CARE ABOUT TEENS):

Most teens are thriving! Surveys show that they want and expect their parents to be key players in their lives! They appreciate their parents and guardians, and they DO listen to them! Compared to their parents' generation, today's teens are less likely to drink, smoke, do drugs, get pregnant, commit a violent crime or drop out of school.

The common thread among teens who are doing well academically and socially, those who are healthy and drug-free, is that they are connected to adults in their lives (like you!) who care and are interested in them, in what they do, and in who they know.

Basic Principles (From The Experts):

PRINCIPLE #1 Tune In To Your Teen

Teens who are successful in school and in the rest of their life are connected to significant adults (like their parents!) This means that they have more at stake when they make decisions.
Parents' input is important. Even when teens are being argumentative, they are often clarifying their own beliefs, and are still listening and remembering, so choose your words with care and respect, keep it short, and really listen.

TIP! Take full advantage of drive time, dinner time (eating together), watching TV to ask about what your teen things, and what is going on with them and some of their friends.

PRINCIPLE #2 Guide Your Teen

Teens are inexperienced. Expectations (broad) and rules (details) can provide a safety net for them that gives structure, boundaries and support.
Being clear about acceptable behavior and the consequences, ahead of time, will help everyone know where things stand. Talking it out before the fact can lead to some valuable conversations about how choices can have long-term effects (RIPPLES) and what some of those might be.
You can expect some 'push-back', but the conversation can stay fairly painless if you can stay cool, allow and listen to protests, focus on safety and protection more than 'You don't trust me', and be sure you have solid reasons behind you.
Be specific. Teens don't do well with 'gray' areas, so be clear. Does a 'sip' count as drinking? Is making out 'sexual activity'? Does taking someone else's prescription qualify as 'taking drugs'?
Keeping the consequences logical (not retaliation), making them practical (no one has ever been grounded for the rest of their natural life), and consistency can give you opportunities for teaching and correcting, not simply punishing.

TIP! Teaching your teen about the values that are important to your family and why you care about accountability and integrity will help them accept and understand your rules. Praising good behavior and surprising your teen with some added reward or privilege when they have followed the rules will build trust and confidence in your love and care.

PRINCIPLE #3 Respect Your Teen

Respect is a two-way street. Teens want their identity and intelligence to be respected, and they want to assert their independence and make their own decisions. Parents who demonstrate this type of respect serve as models for respectful and healthy exchanges.
Respecting your teen, their opinions and beliefs, builds confidence that helps avoid risk-taking and needing to 'fit in'. Being dismissive belittles your teen's individuality and essentially questions their value as a person.
Discipline that focuses on the behavior, not your teen, personally, is much more productive than name-calling and hurtful language.
Appreciate and acknowledge your teen's uniqueness and strengths.

PRINCIPLE #4 Be A Good Role Model

Your actions set examples for relationships and communication. Teens who learn positive social skills do better in school, employment, relationships, communication and coping.
Parents and other adults set the tone for substance use, and teens often learn to be responsible or to abuse alcohol, tobacco, drugs, etc. Practicing self-control can also carry over to help teens resist sexual involvement, as well, by encouraging risk avoidance behaviors and mature decision-making.
Remind teens that observing the law is important, and do so yourself.
Enlist family and friends to encourage responsible choices.

QUICK SELF-CHECK

Principle #1

· Do you praise your teen, even for small accomplishments?

· Do you carve out some time to talk to your teen every day?

· Do you regularly have family meals together?

· Have you made sure you learn a little about your teen's interests and hobbies?

· Do you know your teen's friends?

Principle #2

· Have you told your teen that you expect them to completely avoid alcohol, sexual involvement, drugs that are not prescribed for them, tobacco, marijuana, and any illegal activity?

· Do you have 'house rules' that you have talked about and agree on?

· Have you defined the consequences for breaking the rules?

Principle #3

· Do you ask about and show concern about your teen's worries?

· When you disagree with your teen, do you take time to listen?

· Do you look for the best in your teen's friends, and avoid disapproving of their music or clothes?

· Do you take care to treat your teen as an individual?

Principle #4

· Do you have gatherings and parties that do not include alcohol so that your teens can participate and learn to have fun whether or not it is served?

· Have you shared 'funny' stories with your kids about your past substance abuse?

· Do you use substances to cope with problems or discomforts?

· Have you sought help if you think you have a problem with alcohol or drugs?

(From: Navigating the Teen Years: A Parent's Handbook for Raising Healthy Teens)